Loss and Gratitude

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I never knew much about this day until last year and it's one that is really on my mind. For one, I know too many deserving friends who are or have struggled with pregnancy and even infant/child loss. It is something that is not spoken of, nor is it something you will really understand unless it's your reality, and even then there are days that you find yourself asking, "Why?"

Having gone thru two miscarriages, one before my daughter was born and one last summer, my Doctor wanted to do some medical testing. Turns out my body has low progesterone. Having low progesterone is one of the top reasons why women are not able to get pregnant or sustain a pregnancy. For most women, the answer is going on progesterone, either orally or by taking shots. I did the oral route for 8 months. I was told I should be pregnant within 3 months. After, getting my levels checked several times throughout the 8 months it was always determined my levels were too low and the side effects I was starting to have were impacting my overall health.

Other options were discussed including exploring other medications. These medications are not only very expensive but birth defect risks increase.  Honestly in my heart (as hard as it was to admit to myself) I know I didn't want to be on medicine to have another baby. I went 8 months not feeling like myself and wondering how a baby would be affected by something my own body is not comfortable with.

Growing up we dream about what its like to be an adult. I remember playing the board game Payday, and would always think how fun it was going to be having to pay real bills.  We spend countless hours dreaming about our lives. Even when we are little we get asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up, where do you want to go to college, where do you want to live?" The thing I am learning about this "plan" is that I can dream all I want but in the end I'm living God's plan. This plan we are living brings a lot of joy and happiness. It also brings a great deal of sadness and confusion especially when it's not the "plan" we envisioned for ourselves.

Sometimes I wonder what God is saying to my heart. But then I remember God is bigger than our hearts for he knows everything. Looking back on my motherhood journey, if I only got to experience pregnancy once I couldn't have asked for a better way. I got to be pregnant during the same time as a very close friend.  Our due dates ended up being one day apart, I had a very easy pregnancy. In fact, I enjoyed every moment of it. I found out I was having a baby girl on what would have been my mom's 62nd birthday.  Not only did I give birth on a rainy day in Arizona (of all places) but I was able to name my little girl in honor of my mom.

What has been the hardest of all of this is finding the acceptance in a plan that my husband and I never thought we would experience. As a mom my main goal is to make sure my daughter has a wonderful life. Not through material possessions or a nice home to live in, but to just see her experience life and be happy. I hope she has friends that are like sisters to her.  I hope she knows just how proud she makes me and I hope she knows wherever she goes she is loved.

What I do know as a mom is that I will always be the "Mac N' Cheese" and cupcake kinda mom of the house.  I will always have hair bows of all colors scattered around my home and my car.  I have a little girl whose giggle can always make me smile.  I get some of the best hugs and kisses everyday.  I get to hear the words"momma luv you.  Most of all, sometimes you only need one blessing in your life to get the title of motherhood.

*For the courageous ladies that have shared your stories on this topic and for a dear friend who also encouraged me share my story thank you for inspiring me to share mine.